Hey there any & everybody,

First off, I hope everyone is well. Life can come at you in so many unexpected ways. So many unexpected turns and deviating paths that can leave you standing in a foreign place that you had no idea even existed. It can make you feel like an alien in your own skin. Truth be told - that is me. I am the alien that feels foreign in his own skin. 

I've been struggling. Honestly I think I've been sruggling for a minute now but it's really ramped up these past few weeks/last couple of months. My mom died earlier this year, my car got totalled, I moved states, started a new job, I am going through a rough breakup/loss of my best friend, ruminating on my past choices and actions - I was spiralling. There were a few days when I essentianally got completely crippled with the feeling of guilt and shame and just remorse for my past actions and choices. It put me in such a surreal, head spiralling place mentally. If you have no idea or concept of the feeling I am trying to describe - I am so so so thankful you have never had to go through that. I don't wish that on anybody. I felt so alone. I didn't feel like I had anyone I could really reach out to or lean on. Mainly because the one person I did want to reach out to - I can't anymore. And that's fully on me; and a word of advice for anyone whos reading this - please do not ever place all your eggs in once basket. Whether that be only relying on one person in your life, dumping everything you have into a hobby or job you have, turning to substance abuse (please just don't do this in general). Please, for the love of everyhting you hold dear, DIVERSIFY. There are people and things out that that care about you and want what's best for you. You just need to find them. 

Anyways! I was spiralling. I decided I've had enough and that I do NOT want to struggle through life anymore. So, I decided that I want to change my life for the better. I want to take all the pain, all the guilt, all the regret, all the remorse - and use that to fuel my journey to become the best person that I could ever hope to dream of being. And thus, my self improvent journey has decided to offically start. It's tough - and I'm only a few days into it! But I know that in my heart of hearts that all of this struggle is going to help shape me into something I never thought could have been possible. I am so excited for the person I am becoming. I reached out to friends I haven't talked to in years. People that weren't in my life anymore. I am trying to hop back into hobbies that I used to enjoy. I am wanting to take vocal and guitar lessons and possible join a boxing gym! I have a lot of things on my list of "want-to-dos" that I need to make sure to turn into "currently-doings" and "I-can't-believe-I-didn't-do-this-sooners". When you're going through a major pain or dark part of your life, it can be tempting to find things to disctract and occupy your time. Don't do that, as much as it may seem easier to do. You need to feel your emotions. The more you run, the harder it's going to hit when it finally catches up. Feel your emotions, observe the way they make you feel. Take what you need - and then let go. It's okay to let go after you've taken what you need from something. Rummination and obsessing is not going to help anybody. Feel what you need to feel - then let go. I want to make sure I feel everything I need to feel (and oh boy trust me, I have), but I also want things to help me disconnect from the bottomless pits that can come with the tail end of pain. To see that the path moving forward can be better than the past. That it doesn't need to be the same way it is anymore. To have things that show me that life is still worth living. 

At first, I was just wanting to try to be better on my own. But I felt like I was missing something. I was on the phone with a friend (shoutout my boy, Noah) and the topic of satanism came up. I was explaining how a pentagram (five point start pointing downwards) means that you have a more earthly view. The four elements (fire, earth, water, air) are all above the 5th point (the soul). And as I was saying it, something just felt off inside me. I wasn't really sure what it was. I thought more about it and was pondering religion/christianity. I think I like the love aspect and the fact that you're not alone - but ultimantly, I don't really like the idea or thought of someone being over me and holding these rules and regulations over my head. Call it what you will, I'm just weird like that. I then decided to look into "can someone be spiritual without relegion" because I do feel like maybe I wanted to be more into spiritually to help me through this point in my life and to help me better myself. One thing led to another and I ended up looking up buddhism. And the first line I read "buddhism is a spiritual non-theisitc way of life". BINGO. I also galnced at Taoism and the few things I skimmed from that as well really seemed to click with me. I also had some familiarity (very very miniscule) with Stoicism. And just like that, I went from kind of just being on a destination-less journey to actaully having at lease some resemblence of a map that I can refer to. With that being said, I am very very very^10 new to all of this. There is so much that I have yet to learn. Just even looking into the small amount I have have made my brain start spewing out black smoke from trying to wrap my head around concepts and ideals. It's going to take time, but I am excited! 

If anyone is interested in pretty much but in video form, I have a new channel dedicated for self-improvement! If you would like to head over there and subscribe to see another, physical side of my journey - head on over to youtube.com/@flowersphantoms. And if you're more of a book worm, then feel free to stay here and I'll try to update pretty regularlly here as well (probably will update here more since typing is a lot easier than recording and editing). 

I also kind of want to upload more things than just self journey blog posts. I'm thinking of uploading some of my writings as well. It's mainly poetry/lyrics but who knows, maybe I'll fuck around and start writing a book? Let me know what you think. 

To wrap this up - I'm working on myself. And it's going to be a lot but I hope you'll stick around and go on this journey with me. I'm glad you're hear and you matter.

Love you all,

- C